What Not to Say to Someone with Memory Loss
Good communication is at the heart of every relationship, and this is especially true when caring for someone with dementia. As the condition affects memory and cognitive abilities, talking with someone living with dementia can become more challenging over time.
The words we use play a huge role in shaping how the person feels and how they experience the world around them. What might seem like a harmless question or comment can sometimes cause confusion or frustration. As caregivers, it’s important to be mindful of this and to think about how we can communicate in ways that are gentle, respectful and reassuring.
In this short guide, we’ll explore some things to avoid saying to someone with dementia and share simple, compassionate alternatives. These small changes can make a big difference in the quality of your interactions and the emotional well-being of the person you’re caring for.
1. Avoid jogging their memory
Example: “Remember when…?”
It can be tempting to ask someone with dementia to recall a shared memory, but this can unintentionally highlight their memory struggles. For many, this type of question can feel like a test or a reminder of their condition, which may lead to frustration or embarrassment.
Instead, try saying something like “I remember when…” to gently introduce a memory without putting pressure on the person. This allows them to engage at their own pace, without the stress of trying to recall specific details. Sharing memories together can be comforting, but it’s often best to lead the conversation rather than expect them to do the heavy lifting.
2. Don’t correct every mistaken belief
Example: “Nobody is stealing from you.”
When someone with dementia expresses a belief that isn’t true, the natural impulse might be to correct them. However, this can be distressing, as they are likely to be just as convinced of their belief as you are of yours. Arguing with them or insisting they are wrong can lead to confusion or even cause tension.
Instead, consider whether it’s necessary to correct the belief at all. If the belief isn’t causing harm or anxiety, it may be best to let it go. If the person is distressed, offer comfort and reassurance. Use calming words and gentle gestures, and try to distract them with something they enjoy, like talking about a favourite hobby or watching a comforting TV show.
3. Be careful when reminding them of bereavement
Example: “Your brother died 10 years ago.”
A person with dementia may forget about the death of a loved one or repeatedly ask about someone who has passed away. While you may feel the need to remind them, doing so can be painful and distressing, as they might react as though hearing the news for the first time.
Instead, offer comfort and listen to how they feel. If they keep asking about the person, it could be because they need reassurance or emotional support. You can gently redirect the conversation by talking about positive memories of the person or simply offering comfort. If they’re ready, talking about their feelings can be a way of honouring their emotions without adding distress.
4. Don’t let your frustration show
Example: “I’ve just told you that!”
It can be challenging when someone with dementia repeatedly asks the same question, especially when you feel you’ve already answered. However, reminding them that you’ve already provided the information can highlight their memory difficulties and make them feel upset or frustrated.
Instead, respond calmly and patiently, understanding that repeating themselves is beyond their control. It’s important for the person to feel heard and valued, so offer the same answer with a kind tone. If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break and return to the conversation when you’re ready. This helps you stay patient and ensures the person continues to feel respected.
5. Limit open-ended questions about the past
Example: “What did you do this morning?”
Asking open-ended questions about the past can be difficult for someone with dementia, as they may struggle to remember details. These types of questions can unintentionally cause stress or embarrassment if they can’t recall the answer.
Instead, try focusing on the present moment. Share something about your day and leave space for them to engage. You can also use visual cues, like a photo or an object in the room, to spark conversation. This approach allows them to participate without feeling the pressure to remember past events.
6. Avoid questions that feel like a test
Example: “Do you recognise me?”
When someone with dementia doesn’t recognise a familiar face, it can be upsetting for both parties. Asking if they recognise you can make them feel guilty, anxious or self-conscious, especially if they can’t remember who you are.
Instead, greet them warmly and, if needed, gently introduce yourself by saying your name and your relationship to them. This takes the pressure off them and provides reassurance. A simple, friendly hello can help them feel at ease, without drawing attention to any cognitive struggles they may be experiencing.
7. Don’t overwhelm with too much information
Example: “Let’s have a cup of tea now, then after that we can go for a walk, get lunch and something else to drink in that café next to the big church in town.”
Long, complex sentences can be difficult for someone with dementia to process, as their ability to absorb multiple pieces of information at once may be limited. Providing too many instructions or details can lead to confusion and overwhelm.
Instead, break down tasks into simple, clear steps. For example, you could say, “Let’s have a cup of tea,” and wait for them to finish before moving on to the next step. Speaking slowly and using short sentences can help them process the information more easily, making the experience more relaxed and enjoyable for them.
Dementia care at home
At Trinity Homecare, we understand that a dementia diagnosis can be overwhelming. We offer ‘Outstanding’ rated dementia care in the comfort of your own home. Studies show that 85% of people prefer to stay in their familiar surroundings, and we’re committed to making that possible.
With professional care tailored to your loved one’s needs, we help them enjoy a happy and fulfilling life while staying at home. For more details on how Trinity Homecare can support you, explore our live-in dementia care guide and discover the compassionate care your family deserves.
Talk to us today
At Trinity Homecare, our ultimate goal is to enrich your lifestyle in the comfort and familiarity of your own home. This allows you to live the independent lifestyle that you love without the daunting thought of moving into a care home. We are here to support you with various different forms of home care.
Call us now on 0207 183 4884 in confidence for a free, no obligation quotation. If enquiring outside of our opening hours, please complete our online form and we will contact you the next day.
