When a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, it can be difficult to know what to say. Sometimes, despite having the best intentions, loved ones can say the wrong thing. This may make individuals who exhibit symptoms feel disheartened, confused, or like a burden.
When caring for a loved one with dementia, it’s important to know how your words can impact them. Today, we’ll explore 20 things not to say to someone with dementia, and when to seek professional support.
What Not to Say to Someone with Dementia
When supporting your loved one with dementia, it’s important to consider your words and the effect they may have. Certain phrases can cause confusion, distress or frustration, even when this wasn’t your intention.
Here are 20 things not to say to someone with dementia to spare their feelings and ensure they feel validated:
1. “Do you know who I am?”
Asking whether they remember who you are can cause them to feel embarrassed or put on the spot. They may not be able to remember your name due to confusion or anxiety.
Try Instead:
“Hello, I’m [your name]. It’s lovely to see you again. We met at…”
2. “Why are you being difficult?”
As your loved one’s condition progresses, you may notice them becoming more stubborn. This often stems from increased confusion or unmet needs. Bringing attention to this may only make it worse.
Try Instead:
Consider what might be causing them to respond negatively, such as a change in routine or loss of independence, and respond with empathy.
3. “You need to calm down.”
Telling someone that they need to calm down is rarely met with the desired outcome, including those with dementia. Saying this to your loved one may further escalate their emotions into agitation.
Try Instead:
Speak calmly and clearly, creating a soothing environment for them to calm down in. Once they’re settled enough to talk to you, ask them what upset them so you can rectify the situation and avoid recurrence.
4. “They died a long time ago.”
It’s not uncommon for people with dementia to forget about the loss of friends and family members. Reminding them that they’ve lost their loved ones can be traumatic and cause them to experience grief all over again.
Try Instead:
Redirect the conversation to honour the memory of their loved one. For example, if they’re remembering a parent, say: “Your mum sounds like she really loved you. What was she like?”
5. “You should know this.”
Dementia can affect any part of the brain. Expecting your loved one to know the ‘easy’ answers often sets them up to fail, leading to negative feelings about themselves and their abilities.
Try Instead:
Gently guide them to the correct answer or help them fill in their memory loss without pointing them out.
6. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Memory lapses are a common symptom of dementia. Your loved one may have gotten confused and thought they had already told you the information.
Try Instead:
Don’t blame your loved one for what they can’t control. Focus on resolving the issue moving forward, rather than focusing on the past that you can’t change.
7. “I’ve already told you, don’t you remember?”
Frequent confusion and disorientation are common symptoms of dementia. Responding sharply or with irritation can make them feel ashamed or called out. This may lead them to withdraw socially or isolate themselves.
Try Instead:
Repeat your answer patiently, as many times as your loved one requires. You may find that they recall the information after a few repetitions, or they may continue asking.
8. “You can’t live on your own anymore.”
Blunt statements such as this can induce fear or anger. Your loved one may start resisting care due to stubbornness and a desire to prove you wrong. This can put them in dangerous situations, such as increased risk of falls or social isolation.
Try Instead:
Have open discussions about safety and support at home. Make sure your loved one knows that residential care isn’t the only option. Live-in and visiting home care help them remain in the comfort of their home with professional support. Ensure they feel heard and considered.
9. “You’re not making any sense.”
This type of language often sounds like you’re brushing your loved one off and dismissing what they’re trying to say. They may feel belittled and stop trying to communicate with you altogether.
Try Instead:
Listen closely to what they’re trying to say and see if you can decipher their intended meaning without drawing attention to their jumbled words or confusion. Gently ask simple follow-up questions if you’re still unsure.
10. “We’ve already been through this.”
Making a big deal about repeating conversations or questions can put your loved one on the spot. They may feel embarrassed or like a burden, even though it’s out of their control.
Try Instead:
Remember that your loved one’s brain may be experiencing the questions for the first time due to reduced cognitive function. Treat each question as new and answer clearly and emphatically.
11. “What did we do this morning?”
It can be anxiety-inducing to answer open-ended questions, especially if they have a difficult time recalling such events. They may feel put on-the-spot.
Try Instead:
“This morning we went on a walk to the garden centre. Did you enjoy choosing some new ornaments and plants?” Offering a cue can make it easier to remember.
12. “You can’t do that anymore.”
Making a big deal about your loved one’s loss of abilities can harm their self-confidence and independence. They may agree with you and stop trying to do things for themselves, making them more reliant on you or their carer.
Try Instead:
Instead of focusing on what they can’t do, encourage them to continue things that they can. Offer subtle support, such as steadying as they walk around the house, only when needed or asked for.
13. “I remember that event; it didn’t happen like that.”
People with dementia often recall facts incorrectly due to impaired cognitive function. The brain often creates new scenarios to fill gaps left by memory loss. Bringing attention to this or arguing over facts often leads to frustration.
Try Instead:
Attempt to see things from their point of view. Ask questions and listen intently to their side of the story. This helps them feel validated and lets them enjoy their fond memories.
14. “You can’t be hungry already, you just ate.”
There are several reasons why an individual with dementia may feel hungrier than usual, such as medication side effects or memory loss. Bringing attention to this can make them feel as though they’re being constantly watched.
Try Instead:
If your loved one says that they’re hungry, offer them a healthy snack or drink. Comforting them is much more beneficial than correcting them in the long-run.
15. “No, your name is…”
Dementia patients may become confused about who they are or how they identify. Telling them that they’re wrong can make them feel unheard or dismissed.
Try Instead:
Let your loved one use their new name, unless it’s important to clarify (such as in the doctor’s waiting room or at airport security). If there’s no harm in them living under a different name for a while, let them.
16. “It’s not like it’s a hard ask.”
Assuming that your loved one can do everything as easily as you can may make them feel inferior and useless. They may find it overwhelming to realise that they can no longer complete tasks they once did every day, such as walking up and down the stairs.
Try Instead:
Offer support with tasks and ask if they want your help. Break down the task into smaller steps and work through them together, encouraging them throughout the process.
17. “You’ve asked that already.”
Pointing out the fact that you’ve already had to repeat yourself can make your loved one feel embarrassed or annoyed with themselves. They may already be aware of their memory loss, and pointing it out can only add to these negative feelings.
Try Instead:
Keep calm and answer their questions with a clear head. Answer as if it’s the first time they’ve raised the question.
18. “You’re fine.”
Dismissing your loved one’s emotions rarely feels reassuring or helpful. It can push them away and cause them to bottle their concerns up.
Try Instead:
Validate their feelings. “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m here to help if you’d like to talk about what’s upsetting you.”
19. “Do you know what day it is?”
Questions that feel like you’re quizzing an individual with dementia can make them feel put on the spot or panicked. If they don’t get the answer right and you have to correct them, they may feel embarrassed or inadequate.
Try Instead:
Giving them the answer, even if they are already aware of it. “Today is Saturday. It’s a lovely day to see the ducks in the park. Do you want to come on a walk with me?”
20. “You’re wrong.”
Individuals with dementia might become confused, but stating that they’re wrong rather than explaining why can lead to agitation. This may add friction to your relationship.
Try Instead:
Validate your loved one’s emotions. Consider whether they really need to be corrected or if you can see their point of view. Phrase it as: “That sounds important, can you tell me more?”
How Trinity Homecare Can Help
At Trinity Homecare, we understand the importance of finding the right dementia care. Our fully-trained, compassionate carers are all experienced to provide tailored care in the comfort of your loved one’s home, so they can continue living life the way they want, as independently as possible.
When working with Trinity Homecare, you can expect:
- One-to-one support at home
- Completely bespoke care that has been tailored to you
- Specialist care for a number of different circumstances
- Home carers carefully matched to your needs
- CQC rated ‘Outstanding’ live-in care services
If your loved one has recently been diagnosed with dementia, or you’d like to learn more about their condition, download our free dementia guide.
Talk to us today
At Trinity Homecare, our ultimate goal is to enrich your lifestyle in the comfort and familiarity of your own home. This allows you to live the independent lifestyle that you love without the daunting thought of moving into a care home. We are here to support you with various forms of live-in care.
Call us now on 0207 183 4884 in confidence for a free, no obligation quotation. If enquiring outside of our opening hours, please complete our online form and we will contact you the next day.
